How To Guide: Conversations About Mental Health (Peer to Peer)
Section Summary
This section will dive into how to prepare yourself to engage in a conversation with your friend about their mental health. Topics include:
- When to have a conversation
- How to check-in with yourself before having a conversation
- Tips for during and after the conversation
When to Have a Conversation
It’s always important to check in on the people we care about, whether we’re worried about them or not. This can look like sending them a funny text or gif, a picture of a good time shared together, or just by reaching out to ask how they’re doing. By staying regularly connected with the people we care about, it’s easier to have harder conversations later on if they are needed.
So how can you tell when a more serious conversation regarding concerning behavior(s) may be necessary? Ultimately, it’s up to you to decide. After all, you know this person well enough to recognize if something seems off. However, if you need guidance on what the warning signs are that the person you care about may be experiencing a crisis, check out this section: “Warning Signs”
Self Check-In
Before you start a conversation, you need to make sure you’re ready. Everyone is going through something, and everyone is trying to get through life day by day. It’s important to recognize and understand that there’s factors in your own life that may change the support you’re able to give to someone else. Whether you’re just busy, dealing with your own mental or physical health, or you just don’t have the bandwidth to provide the amount of support the person you care about needs, you have to put yourself first.
It’s also important to recognize that prioritizing yourself and making sure you’re emotionally and mentally ready is not selfish. If you were drowning in a river you wouldn’t be able to help another person who was drowning unless you get yourself to a safe place first. It’s the same with conversations about mental health. You are not letting the person you care about down by making sure you’re prepared and okay before you start supporting someone else.
If you feel ready to take the next step in talking with your friend about their mental health, consider following these steps:
- Acknowledge the amount or type of support you can give. Remember, you’re not a mental health professional. You most likely don't have all the tools necessary to fully help and support the person you care about – and that’s not expected of you. You may be the first step to the person you care about getting the help and support they need.
- Set boundaries with yourself and the person you care about based on your life circumstances. You may have certain triggers or topics you don’t feel comfortable discussing, or other things you don’t feel equipped to deal with, and that’s okay! Again, you have to prioritize yourself and your health.
- Know when you’ve given all you can give. At a certain point, the person you care about may need support or care that you cant provide. This may be the time to include a trusted adult in the conversation, especially if there are issues of safety that come up and you aren't sure what the next steps should be. This also might be the time that you suggest that the person you care about reach out to a school counselor or another mental health professional. If you’re unsure how to go about this, check out this prompt from The Jed Foundation:
“I’m here for you in whatever way I can be, but you’re working through something bigger than I can support alone. It’s going to be important for you to reach out to your support network and find things you can do, like self-care or finding a therapist, to start taking control of your own emotional health.”
Now that you’ve prepared yourself the best you could, it’s time to have an important conversation with the person you care about and their mental health.
For more information on how to take care of yourself before a conversation, check out The Jed Foundation or R U OK?
Starting a Conversation
You know your friend well, so spend time with them! Invite them to hangout, and have consistent check-ins with them. Pick a time and place you feel they would be most comfortable talking about mental health. Allow them privacy and space. If you think they might be struggling, try to keep the conversation casual, unless you truly believe it is an emergency.
If you’re feeling stuck on how to start a conversation, check out these conversation starters from Seize the Awkward:
- “Seems like something’s up. Do you want to talk about what’s going on?”
- “I’ve noticed you’ve been down lately. What’s going on?”
- “Hey, we haven’t talked in a while. How are you?”
- “Seems like you haven’t been yourself lately. What’s up?”
During the Conversation
Let your friend lead the conversation if they’re willing. Be an open ear, and try to avoid giving advice or trying to fix their situation. When friends confide in each other, they just want someone to listen to them and not judge them. Be compassionate, and don’t invalidate their feelings.
Try your best to ask open-ended questions to keep them talking, and let them know they’re not alone. You can even share your own experiences with your mental health to start the conversation, and to convey that you might understand parts of what they’re going through. You’re not going to have all the right words, and that’s okay! You’re not a therapist, you’re their friend, so be someone they can lean on. As their friend, your only job is to be there for them– you’re not a mental health professional, and you’re not their parent, you can’t fix them.
Important Reminders
- Try to not make promises to not tell a trusted adult if you think your friend is struggling and it may be an emergency. It might seem scary, and like you’re betraying your trust, but it’s better that your friend is safe and angry with you, than stuck in an unsafe situation. To avoid making promises, try to say something like:
I understand why you want me to promise not to tell anyone, and I can do that unless there’s something that makes me really worried about you. I’m always here for you and can go with you to get help if it’s helpful. (Seize the Awkward)
- Don’t give your friend any sort of ultimatum (i.e. “If you don’t stop hurting yourself, I’ll tell your parents”). More than anything, your friend wants to be listened to and understood. They don’t want to feel betrayed or backed into a corner. If you’re truly worried about their safety, then it may be time to talk to a trusted adult.
- Be honest with yourself about how much you can handle. It's important to remember that you're only human, and you go through hard times too. It’s okay if you find yourself in over your head when supporting your friend. It's also okay to feel this way. Take care of yourself, set boundaries, and stick to them if you need to. If you do need to set boundaries, let your friend know, and relay that you still care a lot about them. You can even direct them to someone else if you feel you aren’t equipped to help them or listen to them. Sometimes your friend is going through something that might be triggering to you, or you feel way out of your league to handle. That doesn’t mean you’re a bad friend. Let them know if there are other ways you feel you could help them.
- A listening ear goes a long way. Sometimes, our friends just need us to listen. Check out the short video below to see how powerful listening can be for our loved ones.
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