Parent to Child Conversations

Section Summary

This section will go over important information regarding topics like:

Unique challenges youth face that may impact their mental health
When to engage youth in conversations around mental health
How to prepare yourself to talk to youth about their mental health
Considerations for your conversation

Unique Challenges Youth Face Today

Youth and young adults face unique pressures and challenges that can impact their mental wellbeing. Many young people are dealing with:

The lasting effects of school closures and other COVID-19 related stressors
Overwhelming pressure to figure out their future, get good grades, or gain admission to colleges and universities
The need to excel in sports, the performing arts, or other extracurriculars
Busy schedules that don’t allow enough time for self-care such as rest, relaxation and unstructured fun
Bullying
Persistent fears about climate change, global conflict, and other issues
Discrimination based on race, gender, sexual orientation, weight, religion, disability, or other factors
Problems related to poverty or lack of money for safe, stable housing and nutritious food

Parents and caregivers can offer support to youth and young adults by noticing the signs of poor mental health, starting a conversation, and connecting them to additional resources.

When to Have a Conversation

It’s always important to check in on the people we care about, whether we’re worried about them or not. This can look like sending them a funny text or gif, a picture of a good time shared together, or just reaching out to ask how they’re doing. By setting a standard of regular contact and check-ins, it’s easier to engage in the harder conversations if worries do arise.

So how can you tell when a more serious conversation with your child regarding concerning behavior(s) may be necessary? Ultimately, it’s up to you to decide. After all, you know them well enough to sense if something feels off. However, if you need guidance on what the warning signs of a mental health crisis might look like, check out this section: “Warning Signs”

Self Check-In

Before you start a conversation with your child, you need to make sure you’re ready. We're all human, and everyone is going through something. It’s important to recognize and understand that there are factors in your own life that may change the support you’re able to give to someone else. Whether you’re just busy, dealing with your own mental or physical health, or you just don’t have the bandwidth to provide the amount of support your child may need in that moment, you have to put yourself first.

It’s also important to recognize that prioritizing yourself and making sure you’re emotionally and mentally ready is not selfish. Just like you should put your own oxygen mask on before helping your child on an airplane, you should do the same before lending support to someone else's mental health.

Ready to engage in a conversation? Follow these steps as a guide:

Recognize the amount or type of support you can give. Remember, you’re not a mental health professional. It's likely you don't have all the tools necessary to fully help and support your child around this situation – and that’s not expected of you. However, you may be the first step to your child getting the help and support they need.
Set boundaries with yourself and your child based on your life circumstances. You may have certain triggers or topics you don’t feel comfortable discussing, or other things you don’t feel equipped to deal with, and that’s okay! It’s important to be honest with your child about your own limits and boundaries, and most importantly, to stick to them. Again, you have to prioritize yourself and your health.
Know when you’ve given all you can give. At a certain point, your child may need help that you can’t provide as part of your parent or caregiver role. This may be the time to consider seeking additional supports. If you’re unsure how to go about this, check out this prompt from The Jed Foundation:

I’m here for you in whatever way I can be, but you’re working through something bigger than I can support alone. It’s going to be important for you to reach out to your support network and find things you can do, like self-care or finding a therapist, to start taking control of your own emotional health.

Now that you’ve prepared yourself the best you could, it’s time to have an important conversation with your child about their mental health.

For more information on how to take care of yourself before a conversation, check out The Jed Foundation.

Considerations for Your Conversation

Everyone is different, and therefore there is no single approach to having a conversation with your child. Before you engage them in a conversation, consider the following:

Don't assume things are going well for your child . Pain isn't always visible and school, friends, sports, and other extracurriculars add a lot of stress to youth. It's important to know your child's coaches, teachers, administrators, and others who could be providing positive or negative feedback to them on a daily basis. Be involved and ask questions specific to these areas of your child's life.
Face to face communication doesn't work for everyone. Work with your child to identify a communication style that works best for them until they are able to engage in face to face conversations. Conversations in the car and writing notes back and forth are a few strategies.

The following video offers great reminders on how we can empathetically engage in conversations about mental health.

Pick a Time and Place

To have a conversation with your child about their mental health, it’s best to do it in a situation where they feel the most comfortable. It’s a good idea to have a conversation while you’re already spending time with your child. Try not to spook them before you even start– don’t ask to talk about something serious unless you know your child can handle that. Set time aside to do something special with them, or have the conversation while doing something you normally do together. Also make sure your child has the space and privacy they need. If throughout your conversation your child looks like they need some space, give them a break and return to the conversation later.

Starting the Conversation

Start the conversation with something a bit more light – don’t jump into the deep end just yet. Talk about their day, or even ask about how they’re feeling at the moment. Ask them about their friends, or how school or work is going. If you know they’ve recently gone through some big changes, or are about to, ask them how they feel about it. Many conversations will carry themselves once you get them started, but continue to ask open-ended questions that your child can’t answer with a simple “yes” or “no”.

Diving Deeper

If you feel ready, or your conversation starters are getting you nowhere, you can ask them about what’s going on. The best way to do so is gently point out some specific behavior: “I’ve noticed ___. Can you tell me a bit more about that?” Try to avoid using judgmental or declarative statements (i.e. “You’ve been angry recently”). In almost all aspects of the conversation, try to have your child come to you with information, don’t project something onto them. By making declarative statements, you may be making some assumptions and these may not fit their situation. Your child is the expert on their feelings. The best person that can tell you what’s going on is them.

Important Reminders

Throughout the conversation, remember that you are there to listen and support your child, not to fix anything. You may have a strong suspicion as to what you think is going on and perhaps how to make it better, but this is a time to just listen. Put yourself in your child’s shoes – think about the way you wanted your parents to react if you told them something like this. You wouldn't have wanted to hear anger or judgement.
No matter what your child tells you, the most critical thing to instill on your child is that they’re still loved and cherished, and that you’re proud of them for sharing with you. By creating open communication with your child that is free of judgment, you are building a foundation for you and your child to have challenging conversations, if needed, in the future.
If you think you may not be getting through to your child, or the way you’re going about the conversation may not be working, don’t be afraid to ask them how else they’d like to talk about it. Consider using language like:

“Please tell me if you want me to change the way I’m talking about this."
"What do you feel like you need right now?"

Above all else, it’s important to remember that your child may be scared. Whether that’s scared of your reaction, scared of letting you down, scared of their own thoughts, or scared because they don't know what’s happening to them. Before they want actual help, they may want to know that what’s happening to them isn’t necessarily wrong or weird, and that their parent still loves them regardless. Mental health crises are terrifying as a child, and they need all the support and care that parents can give

Check out this really important reminder from The Jed Foundation:

Be sure to validate your teen’s feelings. Some things your teen may be distressed about may not seem like a big deal to you, but they are meaningful to your teen and should not be minimized or dismissed. Even if you don’t entirely understand where your teen is coming from, do your best to empathize and affirm their experiences. You can follow this formula:

Acknowledge the emotion

Empathize with the emotion

Find out more

General Dos and Don'ts

Other than listening, there's no singular way to engage youth in conversations around mental health. In general, consider applying these "dos" and "don'ts" to your conversation:

Did we already mention the importance of listening? This video further emphasizes just how far a listening ear can go for our those we care about:

Additional Resources